December 22 2012
Las Vegas, Nevada
Three days ago one of my best friends in the world, Greg Verdusco, would have turned 42. We would have grabbed a bite at the Denny’s on Tropicana we used to haunt. We would have taken a trip to Zia Records to look at vinyl and to generally loiter. We would have pontificated about the unlikely good fortune of there being both new KISS and Aerosmith albums out in 2012 (and probably would have bitched about how they just aren’t like the good old days…but loved them anyway). We would have reflected on our trip to see the dream bill of Aerosmith with special guests Cheap Trick. What is it 1976? We would have loved that.
We were like that. We could talk about everything and absolutely nothing for hours upon hours day after day.
Sadly we were robbed of all of that as Greg was called to Heaven four days before his birthday. A monster called cancer came for him and took him so quickly none of us could have possibly prepared for it. He was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in August, began treatment in September and was gone December 15th. It felt we were still reeling with the initial news before we could prepare for the next installment of bad news.
I met Greg 6 years ago when I found myself in my new home of Las Vegas, Nevada. Greg was following a similar path. He had a very promising music career in Los Angeles that like most of us had been swallowed by an industry folding in on itself. His band, the Slowtime Mondays, had a great run. Greg was one of the most talented songwriters I’ve ever known. He had deals writing for film and television. I was always knocked out by his ability to crank out a contagious melody over a dizzying riff.
We were two lost souls in a new town and we found that we shared a unified taste in music, film and television. The things that bond us all, I suppose. He loved old KISS, worshipped at the alter of Cheap Trick and adored The Replacements, The New York Dolls (especially Thunders), The Wildhearts, The Hellacopters and so much more. Like I said-great taste.
We would waste hours quoting all the dialogue from the work of the thespian, Will Ferrell. Anyone who knew Greg will tell you how effortlessly funny he was. No one could make me laugh like him. We spoke every Sunday morning and went over the best bits from the Saturday Night Live from the night before. If he had chosen a different path he would have made a gifted comedian and could have been a great actor.
But, like for me, Rock N Roll is a bewitching mistress and she stole his heart at a very young age. Looking through his things as I’ve had to do these last days we have found his memberships to KISS and Cheap Trick fan clubs from his boyhood. Like so many of us that path is paved for us by the Beatles and the Stones and KISS and Cheap Trick and so many more. One day he picked up a guitar, albeit backwards (he was a lefty) and he never really ever put it down again.
In the last couple of years he formed the razor sharp garage rock band, The Bloody Villains, and they were filled with so much promise that we were all bubbling with anticipation of where that journey would take him. There is an unfinished album just sitting there that I am determined to see finished in one form or another. To me it would be a crime for his music to remain unheard. Especially the ferocity of The Bloody Villains. Like the MC5 being beaten by the Hellacopters. Just golden stuff. This is my new mission. Bloody Villains 2013.
Greg and I sat and tossed riffs back and forth all the time. I have things recorded on my phone that I will someday sit down and turn into songs hoping only that I can do justice to the legacy of his work.
Greg was so fortunate to have the most amazing woman by his side for 13 years. His Wife, Allison, is the strongest person I know. She has been through an unimaginable war and lost so much yet she is still standing and will continue to do so. I am in awe of her. She has given us all so much strength when it is us who should have been giving her all of ours. We should all be so lucky to have a partner like her. Their’s was a relationship that I was totally envious of. Partners there for one another in better and so much worse. She was there for him right to the end. Hold on to the one you love tight because you never know when you’ll be doing that for the last time. Allison Verdusco is my hero and I love her dearly. I will be here for her for as long as I am alive.
I was one of the very few allowed to see Greg in the last weeks of his life. I was with him in the days before he passed away. The significance of this is not lost on me. I was his closest friend in Las Vegas and he was mine. I am so grateful that I got to see him before he was taken from us. I can’t put into words how difficult it is to see someone you love suffering. It is an unimaginable torture. My torture nothing compared to the agony Greg was enduring. Another person that humbles me by their strength. When you are young and healthy your treatment is aggressive meaning they attack the cancer with everything they’ve got. Unfortunately the body housing the cancer is absolving that attack. For my first visit with Greg we could at least talk. I gave him some cds that I had Ginger Wildheart sign for him as well as a Ginger T-shirt I picked up for him. Ginger was a shared hero of ours and I was happy I got to do that for him.
I carry with me a great deal of guilt as I have been away so much in 2012. I was home for 3 weeks over a 9 month span. When he first told me of his affliction. I, like anyone else, could never accept it as terminal. He was a young man. He was healthy. He was a non smoker, non drinker. It made no sense. This would be just a footnote in the story of Greg. He would beat this and we’d be looking back at it as a battle won. Greg and I were in contact every day. He was the guy I texted whenever something funny entered my brain and vice versa. This happened a lot. Our contact slowed a bit with his treatment which tore him apart. I just can’t imagine how awful it must have been. Awful is too small a word for it. I don’t believe there is a word for it.
That said, we did remain in contact throughout. Greg had chosen to fight this thing alone or at least alone with his Wife at his side. He chose not to see anyone. He was going to beat this and then he would come out of hiding. I finally spoke to him just before I was leaving for the last leg of our ’12 tour in South America. The first bit of our conversation he reiterated the harrowing ordeal he was going through. He was tired, he was sick. He sounded tired but he sounded like Greg. It wasn’t long til we were talking about KISS’ new album Monster and Aerosmith coming with Cheap Trick and the announcement of a new Star Wars trilogy and, of course, Anchorman 2.
In so many ways the tragedy of his loss has been so painful through his absence at his birthday as it will be over the holidays but for me, his friend, it breaks my heart that he never lived to see a new Star Wars trilogy and Anchorman 2. These are things he would have loved so much. Things that we would have shared with the excitement of children. For pop culture nerds like us this was nirvana. For some reason these things fill me with the most sadness. Knowing he will miss these silly little things that we both loved so much.
I so wanted to go back and forth with him about Paul McCartney playing with the Nirvana guys. The kind of thing we would go back and forth on endlessly. So many things have come up since his passing one week ago that I don’t realize it until I have my phone in my hand and I am about to text Greg. It’s times like that when I feel his loss the most. His commentary, his thoughts, his deep, intelligent cynicism and sarcasm, biting but so well thought out and clever. That mixed with his inherent warmth and kindness. His enthusiasm and jubilation for the things we both loved. Music, movies, cool tv shows. The 50s, 60s, the 70s, the 80s. He loved rockabilly. He loved the Ventures. He loved Link Wray. He loved Vinnie Vincent era KISS . He collected vintage clothing and furniture. Greg and Allison’s house is amazing. It’s like stepping into the past. Like me, he collected vinyl and action figures and guitars. The Ramones, The Ramones, The Ramones.
The last night I saw Greg I sat with him for hours. He was alternately either asleep or in miserable pain. We had very little communication and what we did I will keep with me for the rest of my days. As hard as it is to lose him it was just as hard to see him suffer and in the saddest way I am thankful he suffered for only 3 months rather than 3 years. I wouldn’t have wished his suffering on anyone or anything. It was the first time in my life I had to face the truth that when it is your time to go it is truly your time to go.
Greg Verdusco was in so many ways my best friend and he will always be alive inside my heart as well as in the hearts of all that his life touched. He is the strongest person I have ever known. He is with his Father now and I like to believe he is so happy. I look forward to seeing him again someday. We’ll finish writing those damned songs then and I will bring with me the tales of Anchorman 2 and Star Wars episodes 7-9.
Please hold on to those you love and make sure they know exactly how you feel every single day. This life is so small, so short and so fleeting. I wish I could take back all the times I missed his phone call or the times we couldn’t find time for a coffee. I want all of that back now to fill the void left where he used to be.
I love you, Greg, and I miss you every day. Heaven just got a whole lot cooler. I’ll see you again someday. We have so much to catch up on.
Your friend, forever and always, Todd=
R.I.P Greg! <3
Sorry to hear that. My condolences to his wife, his family, you, and all his friends. Hang in there and I wish you can finish that record as a tribute to your dear friend.
Sure it won’t help, but I’m with you in this sad moment! Be strong Todd! <3
Hi Todd,
I really hope you’ll be feeling a bit better each day. The pain doesn’t go away, I guess we just learn to live with that and overcome by keeping the best memories alive.
Seeing someone you love in such state is indescribably painful, and cancer can be such a bitch. Any of us who had been thru a similar situation know exactly how you feel. Completely useless, not being able to take that suffering from them into your own body. But I’m sure he was glad to have you there, even for a while.
Have a safe trip home dear Todd, get all the hugs and kisses you can from loved ones.
Thank you so much for the music and all you’ve sheared with us, I trust you can feel all the love and positive energy we are sending from all over the world.
Hope to see you again live and give you a big hug and thank you in person.
Love.
Todd, You’re such a dedicated guy. I think that stars aligned for the two of you to be able to spend time together before he died, in the midst of touring. I know it’s just what he needed, time to hang out, partners in crime, and distraction.
About being blindsided. It’s always that way. Even for me and I’m an RN. It takes a toll, but know that this experience really is such a growing up kind of experience, isn’t it. You have a certain insight now, and will be even more of the great guy you already are. I know this is a strange time for you, your music release, and the holidays and Greg’s passing – what a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Hang in there, one day at a time, feel what you feel, that’s what you need to do.
xo
There’s nothing I can say in a moment like this. I’ve lost some of my most beloved relatives to the same disease. I understand that pain.
So sorry for your loss. Stay strong, Todd.
Todd,
You write with such heat felt passion and emotion. I am truely sorry to hear of your loss of a great friend, I could relate to all you said, I wish I cold offer you more comfort. In your beautiful words Greg will always live on and he no doubt will always be a part of todd kerns. Those who you love, when you smile they smile with you. When you laugh they do too, they never leave you and will live on through you.
Sending my love and warmth to you xx
So very sorry for your loss of your friend, Todd! I can’t imagine losing my best friend! Cancer is such a Beast! He is FREE of the Beast now and may his spirit SOAR!
Thank you for sharing these amazing words about your best friend. Now we know how cool he was, too. There aren’t words for something like this. Sending love and light to you.
First of all: thank you for sharing the memory of this guy.
Life sometime’s a bitch and everything we can do is make people we loved stay inside our head, hearts and words when we miss them.
There’s nothing else we can do.
Moments like these reminds us how much life is a gift, a gift we have to celebrate every single moment we’re here. Carpe Diem, said someone, and there’s nothing else to say. Keep on celebrate your life, for you and for your beloved. When you will feel sadness, pain, but also happyness and love, keep on celebrating this friendship talking, thinking, living again with the memories the moments you lived with Greg, and slowly these bad feelings will become sweet and less heavy to go on with. I don’t believe in heaven, no more, but I think every people we lost is really inside us if we want to. CELEBRATE, DON’T GIVE UP, LIVE EVERY MOMENT! Thank you again, bro!
Todd,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you’re talking about because I have lost a lot of peolple I loved for cancer. I know how much painful it is. And I know how aching the regrets are. I regret behaving like that, not saying them how much I loved them. I know. But Greg certainly would not you to suffer in this way. He will never leave you and you will never leave him. Make him live trough your passion and music. I thing this would make him happy. I am sending all my love to you. Thank you for making me think about this, I don’t want to have regrets anymore. Thank you. Stay strong xx
Todd,
Since you first wrote about your friend Greg’s illness I’ve often thought about him (even though I didn’t know him) and hoped he was getting better. I am mortified to read about cancer taking over him. I am really, really sorry, Todd. I wish I could help you.
Sending you lots of love and compassion.
Nice words to said goodbye to a close friend , but now try to think he is inside your heart , I konw it mAY SOUND DIFFICULT BUT YOU CAN . Every step in your future career will be in and by his memory , his light will be with you forever ! Be strong Todd , happy holidays .
Todd, what can I possibly say that will give you comfort? Telling someone you are sorry when an irreplaceable fixture in their life has passed is inadequate. All words are superfluous, and even the most well-intentioned condolences fall flat in the face of heartbreak and loss. But I am sorry Todd, and even though the words may seem meaningless (coming from a complete stranger) I’m trusting in the Universe to kindly absorb all of the love and empathy your readers are feeling for you and to somehow make it available in those moments when you need it the most.
my thoughts are with Greg’s family and hid friends. big lost for the world
I’m so sorry for your loss, Todd! It was really saddening to read this, can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now. There’s nothing I can say that will make you feel better, but I wanted to give you my condolences.
You gotta keep on going, I’m sure Greg was extremely happy and proud of how good you’ve been doing since you both met, so let’s keep it up for him!
Much love to and support to you and Allison!
Hugs from Argentina!
Beautiful heart-felt post. Greg’s spirit will live on with friends like you.
i’m praying for his soul… And for you… Be strong… And remember all good things you experienced together…
Two years ago this same monster stole my grandpa… In less than two weeks after the diagnosis… But everyday I thanks god to had given to me the chance to told him goodbye and how much I loved him…
Now I know that he is always with me… In my heart.. I’ll never forget all sweet moments we had.
Certainly, with theese words you wrote, you got a beauty tribute to your dear friend Greg. I’m proud of you.
Kisses and hug.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Greg from your lives.
Thank you for the reminder of what is most important in this life. (including music and Star Wars)
*** Here’s a new years wish for all of us to live every moment to it’s fullest. ***
Hugs,
Stephanie
Wow…so beautifully written. I too lost one of my best friends on December 15th to cancer. What you have wrote here helped me to understand what I have not been able to accept since her diagnosis. Greg was lucky to have a friend like you!
-BB
That blog about your friend Greg made me cry like a baby. I’m so sorry that God decided to take him home early. It is we who are left behind that suffer. So sorry for his family too! Like you said, you will see him again someday! Hugs to you in your sorrow!
so glad i did not read this before christams… so very sorry for your loss, heart felt sympathies. i do know that moment, when a dad leaves and there is nothing that can be done, (almost 10 years ago,colon cancer), but love them always… i now have the tools to help heal the planet and am forever grateful to you, and have tools for this battle. and hope to pass them on too… looking forward to the great new year, and all your new life adventures… light and love always…
Godspeed to your healing, Todd! One of the greatest commandments we are all called to do is to “love” your brother / sister with all that you are! It is what sustains us even after they are no longer earthly present. I too am facing the terrible affects of cancer conflicted on someone that I love beyond words. It’s very much playing out like Greg’s and his wife’s demise. Alone, he and I. And me….. pulling from the very depths of my soul for the strength to see this through. The closure for me is that I never feel the person being “gone” but rather freed from their earthly shell and able still to be with us, abound us, laugh with us, and share with us still……. in ways that may not be possible due to the daily function of living. He is there with you, talk to him – he listens! Drink coffee with him – he’s there! Share with him still – he has the same enthusiasm! Love – with all that you are – he still feels it!
I am very sorry your friend passed away. The undertones of your tribute tells of deep friendship, respect, admiration, and love. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Thank you also for reminding me to cherish the time given me in my mortality. I will make the most of your challenge to hold my loved ones a little bit closer, I promise you! I know that the spirits of those who pass from this mortal existence continue on in a different place, a place close around us, unseen by our mortal eyes. He’s there, watching over you, and ofttimes you may sense him close, for the one thing that never dies is love. It binds us though every plane. This one morsel of hope is what I believe allows us to face our own death with clarity and fearlessness. That is another of his gifts to you: You will see him again! Good luck getting his music published. I am looking forward to it! Good luck as well with the fundraising you are doing to offset the burdensome medical expenses left behind. RIP Greg Verdusco. Todd Kerns, may your days be many and full of happiness, creativity, and love!!!