November 24 2012
Do you have any idea what the juice of jalapeno peppers does on contact with human skin? I do.
This is my first blog of the South American tour. I managed to get a couple out in Europe but our life here in Latin America is the most beautiful form of chaos. You will never see such passion as you do from the people down here. Their love of music is vocal and hot and everywhere. We are trapped in 5 star prison cells as security strongly, strongly recommends we not venture beyond the controlled chaos of the hotel or the venue. That is not a complaint in the least. Small price to pay to share your passion with people who wear it so openly.
Crowds of people at the airports. Crowds of people at the hotels. An explosion of voice, punishing heat and passion at the shows. It is overwhelming to say the least. In the most wonderful way imaginable.
So after riding wave after wave of the highest of highs we find ourselves in North America once again, albeit the southern most part. A torturous overnight flight from Buenos Aires to Caracas due to political unrest (not your normal touring complications) had us punch drunk. Add to that a 5 am lobby call the following day (after tearing down Caracas with Rock n Roll no less) to get ourselves to Mexico and you are looking at a traveling circus of zombies.
Zombie circus. That actually sounds interesting. Would the zombies do tricks? I don’t see them having the coordination for tight rope walking though I suppose watching the undead fall to their undeaths brings an entertainment of its own.
Where was I? Ah yes. Mexico.
So we find ourselves in Monterey, Mexico all fried around the edges. All slow from lack of sleep with the added exhaustion of not understanding the word pacing when it comes to performance. Life suddenly feels like you are underwater. My mind is usually sharp. I can still come up with something stupid to say (I call it witty) even when my body feels frozen in quicksand.
Our good friend and incredibly gifted actor, Clifton Collins Jr, has joined us south of the border to revisit his own Mexican roots. The man is a pleasure. He was in Soderbergh’s Traffic for God’s sake. Not to mention JJ Abram’s Star Trek (this makes him a God in my books).
After an initial night of eating and eating and eating at some amazing restaurant as founded by the local promoter we all returned to our cells for as peaceful a coma one can wish for.
Here’s the bizarre thing. I’m in Mexico but outside the front door of this hotel there is the following from left to right-A Best Buy, an IHOP, a Johnny Rockets and a Starbucks. This could be Any Town, USA.
Anyway, a group of us wandered the mall as we’ve again been warned to not step too far off the beaten path. God knows what they are protecting us from. Dragons perhaps? Trolls? To our security South America/Mexico is Middle Earth.
So here we are at a mall in Any Town, USA except for the subtle and not so subtle differences. The pet store is unlike any North of here. Monkeys and ring tailed lemurs, skunks (yea skunks. Interesting pet choice) and craziest of all a lion and tiger cubs. An albino tiger no less. 3 months old and being carried like their human equivalent by pet store employees.
A lion cub will set you back 6000 American dollars while an albino tiger cub will cost you 20 grand. The high cost due to his albinoness. These things are actually available to consist of Kibbles and Bits until you become their Kibbles and Bits. Madness.
For the record we did enjoy some IHOP and Starbucks. What are we savages? Of course we empty caloried ourselves. Enough of this fine South America cuisine. Take me to your TGIFridays, my good man! Where the devil is the local Denny’s??? Thank Satan for 7-11.
Anyway after a day of exotic feline viewing and primate black market cage rattling I had the idea of organizing a group trip to the local cinema to finally see the new 007 movie, Skyfall! I’ve always been a massive Bond fan and it had been wearing on me that I’d still not seen the new movie.
So our gypsy caravan makes it’s way to an amazing theater with those big cozy seats that recline and a waiter that takes your order. ‘What do you have by way of a giant barrel of popcorn and a pail of dark soda, good sir?’
If you know me you know what a movie fool I am. Especially when it comes to the film going experience.
Let me just say that sitting in that unnaturally comfortable seat awaiting a film I’d long been yearning for was a moment of serenity. A moment. My body is bent and broken from 9 months of self abuse. My lower back tweaked somewhere along the way from planes meant for dwarves. My knee, always bothersome, now causing a problem in my foot due to stance overcompensation. Yes I am a mess. I nearly gave an eye to this organization. I give my whole body night after night. Not once has anyone come up to me and said, ‘looks like you’re slowing down up there’. Never.
Swollen knee, tweaked back, aching sole be damned. Rock and Roll is my medicine. Rock and Roll is my savior.
I will be home in a week or so. I will lay on my couch heading to the Atlantic City of the not so distant past via HBO (that means I’m going to watch Boardwalk Empire for the uninitiated) and my body will slowly put itself back together only to be sacrificed once again at the great alter of Rock and Roll. Willingly and happily.
So there I sit, giddy and grinning like a 5 year old at his first viewing of Toy Story 3 when our ‘waiter’ brings over my goodies. Could this get any better?
Giant barrel of popcorn?
Giant pail of dark soda?
Oh wait…what’s this? A hotdog? And three little plastic containers. Onions, some kind of relish and f*cking jalapenos.
I didn’t ask for any of this…
Hmmm, he’s already moved on.
I look to Fitz and ask if he ordered a hotdog. He did. Ok. I start passing him his phallus of questionable content with all the accoutrement. Then as I’m passing him the last tiny plastic container it falls into my lap. Oh no! It’s wet and it is everywhere. Wonderful.
So I’m up as quick as I can be wiping whatever that was off of myself and off of my seat. I am beyond annoyed. I didn’t order this. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time. A relaxing night watching the movie I’ve been dying to see resting aching bones on fancy chair. Now I’m sitting in wet trousers wishing hateful things on everyone around me. This seems to be the most mature thought process available to me.
So, disaster maybe not averted but under control. Kinda.
Just as my disdain levels are starting to level off and I’m trying to return to the story line in front of me I feel the unmistakable sensation of heat emanating from my undercarriage. At first you think nothing of it. Try and enjoy that fistful of popcorn. Wash it down with some tasty beverage (thank you, Jools), let ol’ Bond take your woes away.
Then there is no mistaking that this ain’t right. I am squirming in my seat like a 1st grader after a big gulp.
How could sitting in wet trousers for 2 hours be worse? If your trousers were soaked in jalapeno juice. That’s how.
Up to that point I wasn’t entirely sure what I had spilled on myself. I knew it was a hotdog and three annoying little containers that were in between me and my popcorn.
This is how I realized they were jalapenos.
So then I’m faced with the most bizarre scenario imaginable. What does one do in this situation? Surely this can’t last forever.
It’s times like this that you feel there must really be a God. There is no way that this turn of circumstances could be complete chance. It’s as if you are following a script written long in advance and you are knocking it out like you’re Michael Caine. An Oscar worthy performance so gripping you should probably begin preparing your acceptance speech.
Unfortunately the God I’m speaking of has to be Loki, the Norse trickster, because I am clearly the butt of some almighty joke. (You may know Loki from the Avengers/Thor movies. If that helps you) So here I am stewing in jalapeno sauce worrying if my bits and pieces will ever work properly again after such torture. I am now Michael Douglas in Falling Down. I am going to burn this theater to the ground with everyone in it so they may feel my pain and more importantly my wrath.
Take that, Loki. Sorry, innocent bystanders. If you were in my shoes (more importantly my pants) you’d do the same.
So here it is, my long awaited night of relaxation and 007 escapism brought to a new level of Hell that one could hardly prepare for.
Let it be said that if anyone brings a jalapeno around me from this day forward may God have mercy on their soul.
Now I am completely out of the storyline before me. I am practicing methods of zen and meditation that I have no training in to prevent myself from screaming like a new mother in the birthing room.
Yes, I’m exaggerating. No I don’t equate spilled jalapeno juice to giving birth. It’s my story. Let me tell it.
At any rate, after what seemed an eternity the sensation died down to that all so awesome feeling of just straight up sitting in a theater wearing wet pants.
By this point most of the movie has gone by with me squirming and thinking of my strength animal to get me through. I was fully coherent for the finale which seemed amazing. I’ll let you know what I really think of the movie when next I view it safe from the tyranny of any sort of pepper.
For the record anything more than popcorn, soda and maybe some candy at a movie is unacceptable. On top of that those toppings for popcorn are an abomination. I call it popcorn ruiner. If you put it on my popcorn I will withdraw a flamethrower and send you back to whichever ring of Hell you clearly came from. Yes, I carry my own discreet flamethrower for just such occasions.
If you speak in the movie theater above a whisper I will have you flogged in the town square. The towns children will throw garbage at you and what remains of your miserable life will be a lesson to all.
Yes, the punishment is harsh but it must fit the crime.
If you wanna talk there is a whole world outside of a movie theater to do so.
I realize I haven’t really done any show for show updating that I usually do in my blogs but I’ll save that for next time.
This demon needed exorcising.
I can’t wait to see Skyfall. i hear good things.
Ps-you know I’m kidding. I wish no violence on anyone.
Except movie theater talkers. I mean every word of that
Your loyal and humble servant,