November 24 2012
Monterey, Mexico
Do you have any idea what the juice of jalapeno peppers does on contact with human skin? I do.
This is my first blog of the South American tour. I managed to get a couple out in Europe but our life here in Latin America is the most beautiful form of chaos. You will never see such passion as you do from the people down here. Their love of music is vocal and hot and everywhere. We are trapped in 5 star prison cells as security strongly, strongly recommends we not venture beyond the controlled chaos of the hotel or the venue. That is not a complaint in the least. Small price to pay to share your passion with people who wear it so openly.
Crowds of people at the airports. Crowds of people at the hotels. An explosion of voice, punishing heat and passion at the shows. It is overwhelming to say the least. In the most wonderful way imaginable.
So after riding wave after wave of the highest of highs we find ourselves in North America once again, albeit the southern most part. A torturous overnight flight from Buenos Aires to Caracas due to political unrest (not your normal touring complications) had us punch drunk. Add to that a 5 am lobby call the following day (after tearing down Caracas with Rock n Roll no less) to get ourselves to Mexico and you are looking at a traveling circus of zombies.
Zombie circus. That actually sounds interesting. Would the zombies do tricks? I don’t see them having the coordination for tight rope walking though I suppose watching the undead fall to their undeaths brings an entertainment of its own.
Where was I? Ah yes. Mexico.
So we find ourselves in Monterey, Mexico all fried around the edges. All slow from lack of sleep with the added exhaustion of not understanding the word pacing when it comes to performance. Life suddenly feels like you are underwater. My mind is usually sharp. I can still come up with something stupid to say (I call it witty) even when my body feels frozen in quicksand.
Our good friend and incredibly gifted actor, Clifton Collins Jr, has joined us south of the border to revisit his own Mexican roots. The man is a pleasure. He was in Soderbergh’s Traffic for God’s sake. Not to mention JJ Abram’s Star Trek (this makes him a God in my books).
After an initial night of eating and eating and eating at some amazing restaurant as founded by the local promoter we all returned to our cells for as peaceful a coma one can wish for.
Here’s the bizarre thing. I’m in Mexico but outside the front door of this hotel there is the following from left to right-A Best Buy, an IHOP, a Johnny Rockets and a Starbucks. This could be Any Town, USA.
Anyway, a group of us wandered the mall as we’ve again been warned to not step too far off the beaten path. God knows what they are protecting us from. Dragons perhaps? Trolls? To our security South America/Mexico is Middle Earth.
So here we are at a mall in Any Town, USA except for the subtle and not so subtle differences. The pet store is unlike any North of here. Monkeys and ring tailed lemurs, skunks (yea skunks. Interesting pet choice) and craziest of all a lion and tiger cubs. An albino tiger no less. 3 months old and being carried like their human equivalent by pet store employees.
A lion cub will set you back 6000 American dollars while an albino tiger cub will cost you 20 grand. The high cost due to his albinoness. These things are actually available to consist of Kibbles and Bits until you become their Kibbles and Bits. Madness.
For the record we did enjoy some IHOP and Starbucks. What are we savages? Of course we empty caloried ourselves. Enough of this fine South America cuisine. Take me to your TGIFridays, my good man! Where the devil is the local Denny’s??? Thank Satan for 7-11.
Anyway after a day of exotic feline viewing and primate black market cage rattling I had the idea of organizing a group trip to the local cinema to finally see the new 007 movie, Skyfall! I’ve always been a massive Bond fan and it had been wearing on me that I’d still not seen the new movie.
So our gypsy caravan makes it’s way to an amazing theater with those big cozy seats that recline and a waiter that takes your order. ‘What do you have by way of a giant barrel of popcorn and a pail of dark soda, good sir?’
Yes please!
If you know me you know what a movie fool I am. Especially when it comes to the film going experience.
Let me just say that sitting in that unnaturally comfortable seat awaiting a film I’d long been yearning for was a moment of serenity. A moment. My body is bent and broken from 9 months of self abuse. My lower back tweaked somewhere along the way from planes meant for dwarves. My knee, always bothersome, now causing a problem in my foot due to stance overcompensation. Yes I am a mess. I nearly gave an eye to this organization. I give my whole body night after night. Not once has anyone come up to me and said, ‘looks like you’re slowing down up there’. Never.
Swollen knee, tweaked back, aching sole be damned. Rock and Roll is my medicine. Rock and Roll is my savior.
I will be home in a week or so. I will lay on my couch heading to the Atlantic City of the not so distant past via HBO (that means I’m going to watch Boardwalk Empire for the uninitiated) and my body will slowly put itself back together only to be sacrificed once again at the great alter of Rock and Roll. Willingly and happily.
So there I sit, giddy and grinning like a 5 year old at his first viewing of Toy Story 3 when our ‘waiter’ brings over my goodies. Could this get any better?
Giant barrel of popcorn?
Check!
Giant pail of dark soda?
Double Check!!
Gracias, senor!
Oh wait…what’s this? A hotdog? And three little plastic containers. Onions, some kind of relish and f*cking jalapenos.
I didn’t ask for any of this…
Sir!?!
Hmmm, he’s already moved on.
I look to Fitz and ask if he ordered a hotdog. He did. Ok. I start passing him his phallus of questionable content with all the accoutrement. Then as I’m passing him the last tiny plastic container it falls into my lap. Oh no! It’s wet and it is everywhere. Wonderful.
So I’m up as quick as I can be wiping whatever that was off of myself and off of my seat. I am beyond annoyed. I didn’t order this. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time. A relaxing night watching the movie I’ve been dying to see resting aching bones on fancy chair. Now I’m sitting in wet trousers wishing hateful things on everyone around me. This seems to be the most mature thought process available to me.
So, disaster maybe not averted but under control. Kinda.
Just as my disdain levels are starting to level off and I’m trying to return to the story line in front of me I feel the unmistakable sensation of heat emanating from my undercarriage. At first you think nothing of it. Try and enjoy that fistful of popcorn. Wash it down with some tasty beverage (thank you, Jools), let ol’ Bond take your woes away.
Then there is no mistaking that this ain’t right. I am squirming in my seat like a 1st grader after a big gulp.
How could sitting in wet trousers for 2 hours be worse? If your trousers were soaked in jalapeno juice. That’s how.
Up to that point I wasn’t entirely sure what I had spilled on myself. I knew it was a hotdog and three annoying little containers that were in between me and my popcorn.
This is how I realized they were jalapenos.
So then I’m faced with the most bizarre scenario imaginable. What does one do in this situation? Surely this can’t last forever.
It’s times like this that you feel there must really be a God. There is no way that this turn of circumstances could be complete chance. It’s as if you are following a script written long in advance and you are knocking it out like you’re Michael Caine. An Oscar worthy performance so gripping you should probably begin preparing your acceptance speech.
Unfortunately the God I’m speaking of has to be Loki, the Norse trickster, because I am clearly the butt of some almighty joke. (You may know Loki from the Avengers/Thor movies. If that helps you) So here I am stewing in jalapeno sauce worrying if my bits and pieces will ever work properly again after such torture. I am now Michael Douglas in Falling Down. I am going to burn this theater to the ground with everyone in it so they may feel my pain and more importantly my wrath.
Take that, Loki. Sorry, innocent bystanders. If you were in my shoes (more importantly my pants) you’d do the same.
So here it is, my long awaited night of relaxation and 007 escapism brought to a new level of Hell that one could hardly prepare for.
Let it be said that if anyone brings a jalapeno around me from this day forward may God have mercy on their soul.
Now I am completely out of the storyline before me. I am practicing methods of zen and meditation that I have no training in to prevent myself from screaming like a new mother in the birthing room.
Yes, I’m exaggerating. No I don’t equate spilled jalapeno juice to giving birth. It’s my story. Let me tell it.
At any rate, after what seemed an eternity the sensation died down to that all so awesome feeling of just straight up sitting in a theater wearing wet pants.
By this point most of the movie has gone by with me squirming and thinking of my strength animal to get me through. I was fully coherent for the finale which seemed amazing. I’ll let you know what I really think of the movie when next I view it safe from the tyranny of any sort of pepper.
For the record anything more than popcorn, soda and maybe some candy at a movie is unacceptable. On top of that those toppings for popcorn are an abomination. I call it popcorn ruiner. If you put it on my popcorn I will withdraw a flamethrower and send you back to whichever ring of Hell you clearly came from. Yes, I carry my own discreet flamethrower for just such occasions.
If you speak in the movie theater above a whisper I will have you flogged in the town square. The towns children will throw garbage at you and what remains of your miserable life will be a lesson to all.
Yes, the punishment is harsh but it must fit the crime.
If you wanna talk there is a whole world outside of a movie theater to do so.
I realize I haven’t really done any show for show updating that I usually do in my blogs but I’ll save that for next time.
This demon needed exorcising.
I can’t wait to see Skyfall. i hear good things.
Ps-you know I’m kidding. I wish no violence on anyone.
Except movie theater talkers. I mean every word of that
Your loyal and humble servant,
Todd Dammit
November 24th, 2012 at 1:24 pm
cool post greetings from Venezuela!!
November 24th, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Fantastic comedy (for us
) update although i do hope that theres not a post burn soivener left with you!
theres no doubt life on the road for so long must be hard so i hope that you have nice things planed for after this tour to put your body back together. but your stage presence is amazing 150%!
thanks for letting us read your blogs through the eyes of friends, enjoy your next leg of the tour and see you back in the UK soon
signed a more humble servant than the humble servant that wrote above
November 24th, 2012 at 1:31 pm
OMG that’s awful lol I mean kinda funny but really awful!! Ummm might I suggest a ton of really cold water??? Maybe poor that dark soda all over yourself? Look at it this way, at least you didn’t get it in your eye, or laugh and have it up your nose lol that REALLY hurts!! But glad you got to kick it in a theater for a while..Glad you guys are still playing
) And at least it wasn’t YOU eating the peppers, that is a really rude awakening lol. Play on!! You rock!!!!!!!!
November 24th, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I don”t mean to laugh at your pain but you, sir, are hilarious. If the whole rock star thing stops working for you, you could probably comfortably fall back on writing. Thank you for letting terribly stagefrightened homebodies such as myself live the rocking life vicariously through you. Always entertaining. Cheers!
November 24th, 2012 at 1:40 pm
I couldn’t help but laugh at your pain, Todd. I’m sorry.
But if it were me in your situation, I’m sure everyone else would laugh at me as well.
Hope you guys can make your way back to the Seattle area at some point. You blew me away when you were here back in July.
Rock n Roll!
November 24th, 2012 at 1:55 pm
OOPS! I misread the title of this blog. I thought it was about Sandra Bullock. My mistake.
November 24th, 2012 at 2:03 pm
I laught so much Todd, very nice story, sorry for your pants specially what filleds them jajaajajjajajaja need some care? Still up my propousal
have a nice performance, take the breath away again tonight. Wonderful Todd. . . Im learning about you. Kiss from Caracas
November 24th, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Awwww. I was expecting to say you just had to cry Mr. Hotpants. Your knee,try this: No twisting, pick up your entire leg from the hip and set it down again in the new direction you plan to go next before you even move or lean in that new direction (like you would if you were marching or as a figure skater must step into a new direction). I have an iffy knee as well. Get some therapy when you are home …for your knee …
You’re almost home.
November 24th, 2012 at 3:04 pm
I almost feel your pain while I’m reading your post! Poor Todd, I hope you can see the film really soon and I hope you’ll finally have some deserve rest at home! We miss you in Argentina! XO Any
November 24th, 2012 at 3:20 pm
We all are like this in South America, we love you guys!
November 24th, 2012 at 3:29 pm
Man, you must got to see Jeff Dunham
November 24th, 2012 at 4:23 pm
Ok!! Well… So what’s the outcome?! Still work?! Bwahahhahaha!
November 24th, 2012 at 4:50 pm
Hahahahahahahahaha! When are you going to write a book! I love reading all about your daily antics, and tours, you kill me! A fellow Canadian! Already can’t wait till your next blog!!!Lil:)
November 24th, 2012 at 5:15 pm
sounds like you are just having some bad luck….
totally takes your sex is on fire to a whole new meaning lol….use and ice pack for the swollen knee…a heating bad for the tweaked back and a long massage : ) enjoy the rest of the tour and homes not too far away now….cant wait till your back in the UK!!!!! looking forward to your next blog 
xoxo
November 24th, 2012 at 5:24 pm
I’m sorry, but I am not sorry for laughing at your woes, my good sir. Having myself once experienced the fiery sensation that comes from the contact between delicate body tissues and any kind of pepper. Only, in my case, my eyes were the victim of the encounter. I surely hope you succeed in watching the movie and that your “bits and pieces” are fully functional.
And yes, we smallfolk from the Middle Earth are quite the terrible kind of people and your security had better protect you from us, for we maght have had smothered you with our unrestrainable and wild love.
Fare thee well, kind Sir.
November 24th, 2012 at 6:12 pm
ha ha ha ha ha ha… thanks, can you tell theres a full moon coming… have a great weekend…
November 24th, 2012 at 11:27 pm
That was just as funny as your story/escapade where you had some cartoon underwear on during a massage. I hope you got Fitzy back after that movie nightmare?
November 25th, 2012 at 8:05 am
Good read, glad to see an update. I’m a huge movie buff too, and share similar views on the entire experience of going to see a flick.
Winnipeg now has a VIP theater, which I don’t care for, not interested in going. Beer and calamari at the movies? Uh, pass. People are just gonna get hurt there.
Like you, I just want this: huge bag of popcorn, a Coke, and silence.
Strangely, I haven’t seen Skyfall yet. I caught Lincoln, but walked out halfway — just couldn’t connect with it. Saw Flight a while back, just loved it.
November 25th, 2012 at 10:37 am
but you know you love mexico….
all of you rock! we love you!
that show in monterrey was amazing
November 25th, 2012 at 11:10 am
Be thankful it was just an external burning sensation. Fitz may not be so lucky having consumed that dog. A certain Johnny Cash song comes to mind; you know what I’m sayin’?
Your loyal and humble fan,
Gypsy Heart
November 25th, 2012 at 2:56 pm
OMFG! Todd, I’ve got to say it was funny, really funny to read the whole story!! You really look like those kids who are in love with movies and popcorn and soda, but not at all like those who behave properly when they are excited about something, that’s why, maybe, you spilled all that juice! Can’t stop thinking of that scene!!
Needless to say I’m your fan, and after I saw you both in Rio and São paulo, I wish I were at that cinema to see all this!
So sorry for your burning sensation… but it’s still funny!
Love you the most… Big kisses from Brazil!
November 26th, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Todd, I heard this good old song on the way home from work early this morning – I thought about you and how you need to get home. I’m sure you know it…
I’m sitting in the railway station.
Got a ticket to my destination.
On a tour of one-night stands my suitcase and guitar in hand.
And ev’ry stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band.
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Ev’ry day’s an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines.
And each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories
And ev’ry stranger’s face I see reminds me that I long to be,
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
Tonight I’ll sing my songs again,
I’ll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.
Homeward bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.
November 27th, 2012 at 10:38 am
Actually just an embarrassing mishap with guaranteed gloating. But your special kind of pun and your pictorial description of the situation in combination with your “charming” humor turn it into a comedy on high level. Brilliant…,but still embarrassing
November 29th, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Hi Todd how are you?
I’m from Monterrey Mexico, really sorry what happened to you, if I had known where you were sleeping, I’d been on tour to a better place.
There are nice places and good traditional food in this city.
I had the opportunity to be in front of you at the concert, it was amazing. I hope someday to have another chance to see you again.
And if you want to burn cinema do, I work at the movie theater and brings back memories
Jaja
we love you Todd, you were very cute at the concert.
I’ll never forget when you approached to sing Rocket Queen
December 1st, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Todd, did you actually come back to the states or did you side trek to Serbia?
bit.ly/Vg1Sky
December 2nd, 2012 at 1:15 am
Oh, how I adore you, Todd!!! You’re a master of words.
I hope your noble parts are feeling better by now.
Also, it’s been officially confirmed that you and your brothers are coming to my part of the world next February!! What a birthday present for me!
See you soon, TK!!!!!
December 3rd, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Dude! The next time you come to Austin, you HAVE to go see a movie at the Alamo Drafthouse (www.drafthouse.com)!! You will totally appreciate their no talking, no texting policy.
Here are a couple of their pre-show no-talking/texting clips for your viewing pleasure:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUqLWTQCeHM
(fyi – Ann Richard was the governor of Texas)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Y5xK6Qd1YA
The Alamo serves a lot food and beverages (including popcorn, beer, and coffee). You should probably ask them not to serve jalapenos to anyone in your row
I’m glad you survived the Apocalyptic Love tour, and will be able to rock on after some much needed rest!
February 21st, 2013 at 12:05 pm
LOL!! So sorry but I just can’t stop laughing…picturing a rock star going through something like that. Hope that is the last jalapeno encounter you have.